What is Your Motivation?: A Republican Nominee Analysis

It's a simple question that every presidential candidate should be asked: Why are you running for President? The answer is never obvious, despite the appearance that it should be. Everyone dreams of being the most powerful human on Earth at some point. Then as they wise up they realize that it is the most stressful job with overpowering pressure, horrible no-win decisions, and unrelenting opposition, embarrassment, and degradation. To become President, you must survive the slings and arrows of the press and opponents and you must make a majority of Americans believe you are fit for the job or at least better than the other guy. So in one word, why are you running for President of the United States?

Ron Paul- Principle. 
He is unique and I've thought and wrote much about this. He will not win, he cannot win, but he must run. He has to establish a different line of thinking for fear that it might perish or be left to his ignorant son to carry the torch.  His cause is just, if not hypocritical, so I concede that he must as always remain in the race as long as possible to continue his crusade for libertarians.

Newt Gingrich-Relevance
OOOOOHH......LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME. I STOOD UP TO CLINTON. NO, BILL. YES, THAT WAS TWENTY YEARS AGO. NO, I AM NOT A RELIC OF A FAILED ERA. WHY ARE YOU ALL LEAVING ME????? I CAN DO THIS. I CAN BE PRESIDENT. <>

Rick Perry- Hate
He hates homosexuals, Mexicans, old people, cattle ranchers, the IRS, his family, Obama, Jesus, Washington DC (the city, not the politics), Federal Governments (both north and south of the border), and basically anything that you have to be reasonable to deal with. He does like killing people, but in a strictly legal sense. The idea that I would wish Michelle Bachmann to be President of the United States before this asshole should tell you something.

Rick Santorum-World Domination
People in glasses are not to be trusted.
Rick Santorum- Family
He is actually an earnest compassionate conservative. Sure, this means he has many views which are outdated and completely useless, but it doesn't mean middle-America, whatever the hell that vague term constitutes, does not find him suitable for their bleach-white Christian message that they wish to be reflected in government. He probably thinks a lot of the things his opponents are saying but says them in ways to not get normal Americans all terrified. Wait, who am I kidding? He says them louder from that high mount where he looks down upon the rest of us.

Herman Cain- Insanity. 
The Republican party has recently had a problem with African American voters, and people might like to say that there are more black democrats than republicans. However, I think this isn't the case. I just think that African American Republican candidates are just incredibly unlikable characters. Herman Cain can't even pass the muted litmus test. You should try it for all political candidates. Watch them do an interview on television, mute your television set, and then decide whether or not he looks like an asshole when he talks, trying to ignore the bottom scroll which says Cain thinks Muslims are a cancer. If he looks like an asshole when he talks and you can't hear a word he's saying; chances are he's an asshole. No president since Nixon has been elected with this quality. For Herman Cain to say the ignorant things he says and then think he can be elected president, there is only one possible motivation: insanity.

Gary Johnson - Chronic, Ganja, Weed, Wacky Tobacky, Marijuana

I don't know much about this man in all honesty. He unlike Herman Cain passes the mute test, and also sounds quite reasonable when he talks. Though the topic he was being reasonable about was the decriminalization of marijuana, which puts his electability somewhere in the snowball's chance in hell range. His state being a border state to the Mad Max post-apocalyptic country of Mexico made this an important topic. He is a Ron Paulesque libertarian, but he obviously is not the standard bearer for that "Children's crusade." So he must be strategically separated by his affection for drugs, even if that is not actually the case and he is just a reasonable man. If you asked me would I rather see Ron Paul or Gary Johnson as the nominee or President, just based on their conviction, I would say Gary Johnson.


Michelle Bachmann-Exposure
I don't think we'll see a female President for a while, despite the obvious barrier that Obama broke making such progress seem possible. Michelle Bachman may be doing the whole female sex a disservice by burning every bridge she crosses. Like Sarah Palin, the other prominent female Republican, she's attractive and despite the words that leave her mouth, intelligent. In fact, people would say that every misstep of Bachmann's actually has worked out for her, almost like she knows what she is doing. The CPAC-driven direction of her party favors the ignoramus as opposed to a thoughtful eloquent woman, of which there are millions in this country to choose from. Her positions and her words point more to her pushing agendas that suit her than legitimate competition. On occasion, she has taken to grandstanding on issues that she really has no interest in, which screams Fox News contributor and propaganda books-on-tape. Also, she looks like an asshole in her still shots, so don't even ask me about the mute test.


Mitt Romney-Desire
He's running because he wants to be President of the United States, and thinks he can do it well. There are no ulterior motives, because even in 2008, he was always running as a frontrunner.Mitt Romney has always run because he was/is the most legitimate candidate for President the Republicans had/have. The problem Romney will always face is that he is too much like the current President. He compromises, he cares about human beings, he is different (Not that being Mormon and Black are like for like experiences), and he is smart. He doesn't come off like Dubya as this likable man, as the populists that vote Republican find affability to be the characteristics of a good President. I would enjoy having a beer with George W. Bush, but I sure as hell don't run him running anything larger than a rotisserie fantasy baseball league ever again.

John Huntsman- Doppelganger
Read above post again, and then say he speaks Chinese and everyone thinks he's a traitor. He's moderate compared to the shit show around him, and he's Mormon. Two strikes. HE WORKED IN THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION IN A VAGUE WAY SEEING AS HE WAS THE AMBASSADOR TO CHINA NOT THE SECRETARY OF STATE. Tres golpes.*

*No, Rick Perry. I can't be deported for using Spanish.

And what if these two ran:
Sarah Palin-Delusion
I've won things before and I can do it again. I have this cushy job where I get paid to rant polemically about complete and utter nonsense. I should give this up and try to beat a man who I partially gave the last election to with my miscues and inattention to common sense and detail.
Rudy Giuliani-9/11
That the country still cared ten years later says something about my abilities to lead. Or it said that Americans love anniversaries as depressing and useless as they are. Where we you on 9/11? Well, let me tell you a story.

So there you have it, boiled down to nothing it seems that the only two rational candidates are members of the LDS. Conspiracy or not? Discuss with your Republican brethren and then watch Obama be President for the next four years after you nominate a sociopath.