Of course, this is a post about college football; the title may insist otherwise. It may sound as if I'm going to rant about Texans in a stereotypical way, but really, that's just shooting fish in a barrel. As of yesterday, the realignment talk just hit batshit preemptive strike crazy, which is just past tuck your tail and run into oncoming fire on the scale of unnecessary miltary references to sports. The first is the strategy of the ACC, the most unlikely of conquerors. They moved to allow Pittsburgh and Syracuse to join their conference, a conquest not seen since the British claimed the Falkland Islands and found that there was indeed no fucking reason to do that. The second of course is the first of many Texas A&M jokes that I will make to appease their middle child syndrome.
The Tragedy of Texas, A Prince of College Football
To understand this historical tragic-comic-history first conceived by Dan Beebe, you must first understand the players and remember the theme of this week is of course motivation.
Texas is Hamlet- Obviously, they have everything going for them. Of course, they also have an agenda that is half arrogance and half insanity. Will their plan work? Yes. Will they do it in the most destructive way possible so that every major character dies? Yes. Will they drag it out Kenneth Branagh style making sure to say every last annoying word on paper? Yes. Do they care? No. They will still be Hamlet, death doesn't reflect poorly in a search for glory.
Texas A&M is Laertes- Sure, Texas stabbed your father, thinks little of you, and is frequently implied to have despoiled your sister. That does not mean you should hatch up some plan with the help of the King that results in you dying. Alas, Texas A&M didn't go to university and instead went to France and pranced around with some whores.
Baylor is Ophelia-Deflowered by Texas (Allegedly), Then sort of manhandled by everybody, Finds comfort in insanity or having Kenneth Starr as your President, drowns in a river but looks good doing it. Everyone covers up the evidence, and gives her a Christian burial somewhere in the second-tier
Texas Tech is One of the guards- Has anyone had less of a part to play in this than Texas Tech? They however support the young prince and plan to follow him to certain death.
Oklahoma is Fortinbras- They are the only one benefiting from this madness. They already have credibility and are just leveraging to get back what they lost during the John Blake era to Texas. After the dust clears, most likely they will be the only completely victorious party.
Oklahoma State is Osric- Just a courtier. They have none of the power, some of the money (Okay, most of the money.), and are just hear to announce Fortinbras has kicked everyone's ass and would like to acknowledge us, his cohort in battle.
Missouri is Queen Gertrude- Basically shacks up with whoever will take her despite being one of the few reasonable characters in the story. She is somewhat responsible for everything and truly responsible for nothing. A story in Missouri athletics.
Kansas and Kansas State are Gravediggers- Particularly talented during the winter months. Nobody thinks much of him though when the ground is not hard. Witty tongue, but alas too infrequently used. Good for a lashing of Texas once in a while.
Iowa State is Polonius- Just as likely as anyone to get stabbed behind a curtain when no one is looking.
Colorado and Nebraska are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern-Oh, they used to be friends of Hamlet, but really it seems they really fucking hate that guy. Always beating them to a pulp and then flashing his sword at them whispering, "I can strangle you both in your sleep." Now, off to happier places. No better for it, but happier. Most likely going to be killed on the field of battle by Fortinbras or Hawaii in the future.
But who is Claudius, who is your grand villain? (Or is Hamlet the villian?) For the sake of argument, ESPN is Claudius. They are the usurpers, they are the driving force, they are the one giving Hamlet their freedom to be an ass, they push Laertes to madness, and they most certainly put the Craig James/Jesse Palmer poison in our ears. And what does that make us, the dead king.
The situation always has revolved around Texas. They are the Pac Man Jones of College Football always making it rain and watching as bystanders are shot by bullets intended for them. Nebraska couldn't beat them on the field or off, and smartly realized that and took off to greener pastures. Colorado was always the odd man out, and bolted as well, although they won't be cheering about greener pastures just yet. Then, the Longhorn Network happened. Now, Texas was getting a direct advantage that only two other teams have: a stage solely for their school. However, Notre Dame and BYU are both independents, and they each have something Texas lacks: standards, either moral or academic.* Texas recruits on a level above even more successful programs. They already were on national TV for a majority of their broadcasts and now all of their games are televised no matter the opponent.
So, Texas A&M takes offense to this notion and shoots themselves in the face. Let's remove the other sports and academics from the equation, as everyone but the Big Ten has done so as well. Texas A&M is/was the third best program in the Big XII, a traditionally good football conference. Barring a collapse, they would always be one of the top five programs every year. I would say it goes Oklahoma, Texas, Texas A&M, Oklahoma State, and Missouri. While an occasionally foray might be made by the other teams, these teams are stable and viable programs. So Texas A&M would be the top at best and fifth at worst in this conference. So they move to the SEC, which is the cream of the crop for football, even worse they join the West division. Here is where they stand there. Alabama, LSU, Auburn, Mississippi State/Texas A&M/Arkansas, Ole Miss. Based upon program talent, coaching, and stability, they are the fourth best program at best in their own division. I really cannot separate them from Miss St. and Arkansas. They have better tradition, but worse coaching and no experience SEC recruiting patterns. People will tell you that football is no different, but the emphasis on defense in the SEC will not suit Texas A&M at first. Now, add Florida, sleeping giants in Tennessee and Georgia, possibly West Virginia or Missouri, a team which gutted them last year, and where does that put them. Possibly, they could be the tenth best program in a fourteen team conference. Then, they can ask Rutgers about playing basketball in the Big East and laugh on their piles of tear-stained money.
The ACC? Really?
Forgive me for asking, but where the hell did this come from? And why does it feel logical and basketball related for the conference. This move fills in a growing divide in the Big East and ACC rather quickly. It allows the conference, who now realizes that Miami-Florida State do not need separate divisions to make a logical North-South Division. If they add Rutgers and Connecticut as well that makes Boston College not look like the one kid at the dance without a date anymore.
North-Boston College, Connecticut, Maryland, Pittsburgh, Rutgers, Syracuse, Virginia, Virginia Tech,
South-Clemson, Duke, Florida State, Georgia Tech, Miami, North Carolina, NC State, Wake Forest
This is an actual logical super-conference. The travel in cut down, it regionally agrees with the conference name, and it seems to have a purpose. TCU in the Big East is idiotic. Oklahoma in the Pac-Whatever is also ridiculous. This can be practically implemented for all sports, which brings up another point.
College football is no longer healthy for the NCAA. It shouldn't even be discussed in the same page as any other sport. Sure, college basketball makes some money and has it's own disgraceful practices, but it can be contained by it's own gloriously perfect tournament. College football is about money, and with the money it generates, there is no reason Oklahoma can't afford flying to Seattle once a year to play Washington. But they can't afford to do this with the non-revenue sports. The conferences are not only for football, they provide teams with steady competition amongst equally talented programs nearby. This keeps competition high and costs lower. These new abominations will have to sacrifice one or the other. Either you abandon the conference in other sports and play worse teams that are closer weakening your team for the postseason or you throw financial caution to the wind and play a schedule that bleeds your school dry. This is why the independent schools all play in conferences for every sport but football. This is why traditional conferences are antiquated. Only the ACC has put forth an idea that doesn't bleed of the idiocy in this mess we have created.
Texas Stands Alone
Nobody cares what happens to Texas at this point. They dug their grave and here they will lie until they go all Lazurus on us and destroy the world. But to be honest, arrogance does not pay, and Texas will be hurt by this in the short-term. In the long-term, no one can stop them. But at this moment, several men are surrounded and are going to die. This is their Alamo, where they decided that they were invincible and taught in the worst way that they are not. Texas is that guy or girl that has it all, and likes to tease everybody and lead them on, only to find nobody gives a shit. There's other shows on in town, yours just happens to be on the Worldwide Leader.
They will ultimately be the losers, because they ignored the way college football works. College football despite the money and the greed, is still a sport built on tradition. It's for this reason that kids go to Notre Dame and sportswriters still respect them, despite the high academic standards and recent failures. It's why a kid will take time signing a multi-million dollar bonus to play baseball while considering playing a football game on a Saturday in Memorial Stadium. It's why anyone would go to Nebraska in the first place, or Oklahoma for that matter. Texas has that tradition, but it's tied to Red River shootouts not the programs aura. They can't abandon Oklahoma, A&M, and maybe even Tech and feel the same as when they abandoned SMU, TCU, Rice, and Houston. No matter how rich they get, they won't dominate the sport they truly wish to. To get to the top of the mountain, they needed a transcendent college quarterback in Vince Young, and then a steady reliable one, Colt McCoy. As of this moment, they do not look to have either.
Summary
So here we are, the whole Big XII ship is burning as the captain laughs. Other ships are considering taking on the crew, as their own crew abandons ship. The SEC and Big Ten watch with concern and disinterest. The PAC-Billionty now has added Hawaii, Louisiana Tech, and SMU and is calling themselves the NEW WAC. The ACC calmly picks apart the Big East, and ensures that at least one of these monsters has a decent idea of what's going on. The Sun Belt plans world domination. Conference USA moves to Mexico, and is killed over Tulsa's drug addiction. The MAC continues to mock everyone by existing at the FBS level. The Mountain West sues Versus, then realizes that they have been a part of every cable package in the United States and still no one watches. The WAC facepalms. Then, Mizzou loses another blouse and the mess starts all over again.
In the meantime, here's a reminder that I care not for your conferences and would dastardly tie them to railroad tracks as I play with my fabulous mustache.
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