The Ron Paul Conundrum

Swearing is industry language. For as long as we're alive it's not going to change. You've got to be boisterous to get results.
-Gordon Ramsay

The foolish and wicked practice of profane cursing and swearing is a vice so mean and low that every person of sense and character detests and despises it.
-George Washington 

I would stop cursing so much, but most people are too annoying to justify a witty response. It's easier to say, "Fuck off", than say "Your head is so far up your ass, you look like Ouroboros."
-Me

I feel that is better than my usual language warning. You should have parental blocks on your computer by now anyways.

Now, let's be honest, anyone who isn't a libertarian think they are nutjobs. However, I have found that a great deal of libertarians are reasonable people, at least if they are educated enough to understand the vagaries of their positions. The reason I bring this up is that the educated section of the generally imbecilic Tea Party movement, have been better explained as libertarians. I prefer to call them the Disciples of Paul, because it is cooler sounding and the policies are not so much libertarian as Texas crazy.* Now, don't get me wrong, Ron Paul is exactly right; it is his job to strictly use the Constitution to make judgements on what he is able to support. However, the Constitution is both malleable and at times, horribly outdated. I will tend to defer to Ron's positions since he is some kind of messianic figurehead at the moment.

*Yes, if you are an actual Libertarian, you do not belong to this group. You are in fact disturbed by me describing you as such. Congratulations, the rest of this has no pertinence to you, I apologize that Ron Paul has hijacked your beliefs and injected them with good ole Texas bible thumping.

Libertarians do have strengths, diamonds in the collective pile of batshit; they are extremely anti-war. The truth is all human beings should be so anti-war; however, the motives behind this should be more honest. Libertarian politicians are against paying for war; they have no problem killing people. This is not true of libertarian citizens, who mostly find the two go hand in hand. Their opposition to conscription is a peasant fantasy that angers most veterans and makes other (conscripted) veterans like my father happy. It is brilliant of course, but then again do people fight conscription during major crises like the World Wars? With the progress(?) of modern warfare, I doubt this ever is an issue again, and, if it is, we're fucked anyways.

Let's all jump on the capitalist bandwagon, like we just got out of the McCarthy witch-trials. Government intervention in business is Stalinist. Why don't we all just go live in communes and dig ditches until the sun goes down? Then maybe we can lie in the ditches with our comrades after we are shot.* Deregulation is like dating the hottest chick in town; everyone thinks it's a great idea, until some douchebag comes along and ruins it for everyone. Sure, it would be great if Americans were honest, hard-working do-it-your-self people, but we're not. We're get rich quick, fuck everyone else, grade-A douches. Sure, that doesn't apply to everyone, but think of it this way, for every philanthropic billionaire named Gates, there are ten thousand Bernie Madoffs. People don't get rich and then tend to the world; they get rich by screwing over everyone and then continue to screw over everyone until they die and leave their legacy to whatever trophy-wife sired demonspawn they created.

*Obama's plan for job creation. Actually, this may be the best unemployment solution ever. In every game I played where I had high unemployment, I created an army and sent those peasant bastards to their death.

I believe in free enterprise and self-employment, small business and entrepreneurship. Hell, I'm all for a guy finding a way to manufacture steel better than everyone else and stepping on the little man on his way. I'm not for cheats doing nothing at all, and then everyone else paying for it. That is what regulation should be deterring, instead our government (including the colossal waste of God/Parental/Midi-chlorian-given charisma and intelligence that is our President) insists on pouring money into our financial albatrosses self-inflicted gunshots to stop the bleeding. I'm all for deregulation if it means that we stop helping everyone, from the smallest business owner looking for a loan to Wall Street who sucks at the government's teat until it is run dry. The balance that is there is apparent, but deregulation and lowering taxes has never been about balance. As a Republican and not an honest Libertarian, the policy has always been rich people get richer and poor people get shit on. That is the official messianic policy of Ron Paul's presidential campaign.

Now, if you believe the government should not be regulatory in economic manners, what justification is there for regulation of social issues? Why is is okay to trump up the second amendment and piss on the first? Also, the idea of passing the buck comes to mind as Paul tends to favor letting states settle matters that they have proven incapable of doing. Time and time again, the civil rights of Americans are trampled by states with a voting block of morons and Christian extremists*, so we should just let them decide manners. This is why Ron Paul is strictly against government intervention into private affairs, because he knows the good state of Texas will share his views and he won't have to deal with all the gays and abortions that plague his neighborhood. I believe that a man so adamantly against government intervention into privacy should reflect these views on a national scale. The reality is that libertarians would gain much ground with independents if they just said across the board, "We don't care what you do in your homes, as long as it does not infringe upon the rights of another citizen." The general idea that you oppose the Patriot Act for it being invasive and unconstitutional, but still think states should dictate whether gay people can marry or what sexual positions are legal is ludicrous.

*It should be noted that these two are separated for a reason. I do not believe all Christians are morons nor extremists. However, those who are extreme in their views are often intelligent enough to articulate those views, which may be worse than morons trying to do so. Also, this is not just true of Christians alone, but for the United States they are the majority, and the ones who openly channel the majority of vitriolic hatred that burdens us as citizens and as human beings. Atheists and secular folk are just as bad, but at least they don't attribute their beliefs to a higher power.

No regulation of commerce. No armed forces. No control over education. No public environmental regulation. Although, no one brings it up, we should include every manner of service that protects the public: food and drug administration, aviation standards, consumer protection, the FDIC, the ARMED FORCES for fuck's sake. So if the Federal government has no power, what should it do? Twiddle their fucking thumbs while collecting checks for the miniscule taxes only remaining to ensure our hard working upper-crust public servants are still taken care of, especially those Senators who were appointed by the state legislature.* That is not the fucking Constitution; that is the Articles of Confederation. Our country tried twice to form a Confederation, and both times were complete disasters. If you want the states to run the show, look at the state governments. California is essentially a paper doll cutout that a first grader cut the wrong way. Missouri's congress thinks it needs a colon cleansing, because of how far it's head is up it's ass. Texas thinks kids should know that blacks are not only peaceful but militant also (Like every other race on the planet), St. Thomas Aquinas is a founder of the United States (Thomas Jefferson, however, is a douche and likes brown sugar. -Actual textbook phrasing), and THE DINOSAURS WALKED THE FUCKING EARTH WITH US! New York is a giant shill for the governor's prostitution habits. New Jersey is still a landfill for New York. Utah...well, it's a desert filled with jolly people with morals, who spend most of their tax savings canvasing California with diatribes on their sinful ways. I could do this for every state, suffice to say that we are all fucking morons (I always include myself, if you think I'm being high and mighty). Like Kay says in Men in Black, "A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it."

*Yes, that was a major mistake of an amendment. Good one, America.

So after I highly offended everyone with poor language, insulting what are commonly accepted as imbecilic notions of science,* and a generally vitriolic tone, let's be honest. Ron Paul cannot be elected President.* He will not come close to getting nominated, and neither will his son in future years. The reality is that they have some ideas that are quite mainstream and correct. Affirmative action has been a mistake. The war on drugs is costly, racist, and ineffective. Every war this country fights, and has not been fought for a justifiable reason (every one but WWII), is not justified and simply wrong in many cases. The federal government had no right to infringe upon the privacy of its citizens. Spending should be cut, and taxes should be as well. We should be able to do drugs and buy prostitutes.***These are ideas that we can get behind.

*CPAC thinks he can. CPAC attendees also think THAT WE WALKED THE EARTH WITH FUCKING DINOSAURS!!!** I can't state enough how stupid people who believe this are.
** "It is possible that some specimens may live today in remote areas." Okay, maybe they can do it themselves. Perhaps they are in Costa Rica, and Crichton is writing his memoirs.
***Wait, what?

But then, we realize that you aren't a libertarian, and Republican voters realize you aren't a Republican either. You vote consistently for socially conservative ideas, while stating that is no place of the government to dictate such policies. You vote against the party you belong to, angering voters who have no idea why you voted down funding to our troops (Because their state set their school standards?). You fight for prayer in schools, when separation of church and state is specifically stated in your glorious constitution. You voted against flag burning bans, because it wasn't a federal power. Who will elect you in the end? Pot smokers who didn't get into law school because of affirmative action and now work on Wall Street running ponzi schemes that cheat honest people out of their money, who also happen to smoke cigars lit with American flags since burns and cancer are covered by their private health care. Shit, turns out that is a pretty powerful demographic these days.

On Tap For Next Week: Blogger Announces Run For Republican Nomination, Says Age Discrimination and Campaign Spending are Core Problems His Candidacy Will Tackle

Or Maybe: Bachmann Controls Migraines, Finds Brain's Ability to Control Her Thoughts and Vocal Cords as Well