How to overuse question marks to piss off God?

This post was written on May 26th, 2011. At that moment it was pertinent, it should have been edited and posted by it's author, but he is absent minded. Most of the ideas I write about have been brewing for a while and like any honest writer I have twice as many drafts as posts. Sometimes, I clean the posts, editing and posting some and deleting others. This one I chose to do neither, since I find it to be properly angry, uninformed, inane, and of a "ranting maniac" quality. As I find all four qualities hilarious, here is me talking about raptures.

It's an honest question. What if your God returns and deems no one worthy and leaves us all to wallow in our own mire? It's not a philosophical argument as I have nothing to gain from either occasion, as I am neither chosen nor terribly established in the status quo. Surely, we will eventually destroy our planet and ascend(descend) as may be, but what if we did it on our own time? Would that lessen the miracle of existance, if God simply didn't think you were worthy of rapture?



It just makes me wonder, because simply of all the crazy things to come out of humankind is the determination to predict our ultimate demise. I'll give everyone a hint it's after the next rapture prediction (Oct. 21, 2011 apparently, what a jackass) and before the sun goes all red giant and eats our planet in the cosmic sense, an ironic ending to the special planet that we live on given the perfection of our distance from the sun. The Mayans didn't get it right, and frankly they couldn't see their own demise much less that of a grand humanity they didn't even know existed. Unless the Earth explodes.........

Yes, that also is ridiculous. In 2028, there is a good chance an asteroid may head for us and Bruce Willis will not be able to do anything about it. But we should by then be able to, and also have enough people off planet to avoid the extinction of the whole human race. Or technology to knock the asteroid off course. Which brings me to another point: does the rapture apply to the moon or Mars. What about all of the universe? Is it human specific or will God take animals two by two so they can ethereally reproduce in Jesus' thousand year rule and we can hunt them mercilessly until the end of time. There can't be enough Ambrosia for all of the faithful, as there are lots of Mormons these days. God always wished he picked the Shakers; now, those people knew how to keep Heaven from overcrowding. Nazis and Jihadists also excel at this, but that has nothing to do with reproduction. If everyone has to eternally subsist on gruel, what kind of Heaven is this? Why isn't there high-fructose corn syrup? Why am I concerned about getting a good meal after I die?

Why? Because the idea of Heaven overcrowding or me sitting there asking God why he didn't put a Jack in the Box across the street is just as ridiculous as predicting a certain date for divine intervention. If God had a watch (digital of course, so he remembers the day and can time his daily jog), then maybe it would make sense that he/she/it would plan his raptures in Eastern time, but might be off an hour because Ben Franklin (Or more plausibly, the Kaiser) forgot to implement Daylight Savings Time in Heaven.

Now, what if the rapture did come? But there was no apocalypse. Even better what if all the "believers" ascended and the horrible people were dragged to a fiery hell. What if all that remained were the balanced people who lived good lives, but weren't all self-righteous about how others live their lives, what day we secular folk are all going to burn in hell, and when God was coming to justify their pathetic existence. Then, at that moment, would we realize that heaven wasn't so far away after all?

Things you should be worried about more than a Rapture:
1. Bills
2. Glee!
3. Your Health
4. Deviled Eggs Recipes
5. College Football
6. Macho Man ascending when no one else did
7. Actually helping your fellow man
8. Anything
9. Me not knowing anything about raptures
10. Rapture