On Jobs and Ambition

When I was a boy, I dreamed of being a professional athlete, dreamed of catching a pass in the Super Bowl, draining a fade-away like Jordan. That is a common dream among young men, a dream of unrealistic proportions. I always liken it to little girls dreaming of being a princess; the Disney syndrome, as I call it. Yet it is much different, little girls, whether they know it or not, are already someone's little princess as all great fathers look upon their daughters in such a fashion. They also see their son's as athletes, but rather as extensions of their own failures and successes in that arena. The dream also says a lot about young men, and why athletes need to be careful in their lives. We worship them, more than our parents, more than our teachers, more than our siblings, and certainly more than men worthy of adulation.

People may scoff at this, but I wanted to be a professional athlete for two reasons: money and how I could help people with that money. I'm not a material man, and never have been. I could live with a one-bedroom apartment, a computer, my books, and I would be happy just spending money on food and libations. So, if I were a millionaire, I would have lots of money left over. Besides the obvious things I feel my family needs, I would probably blow the rest on charity and investments. I dreamed as a 12 year old kid of ways to help the homeless; I even dreamed about playing for the Lions so I could help out one to the most economically depressed, violent cities in the nation. Then, my dreams shifted to the more practical.

I dreamed of being a lawyer, for no reason at all, and to this day I can't understand it. I was just behind the idea of helping the defenseless, but more and more I saw the case being the indefensible and I grew wary of the idea. I don't even like the idea of putting men away, because I don't think I could choose only to try crimes against women and murder cases, and I don't feel too strongly about drug crimes and misdemeanors anyways. Still, the dream was about money, and it was vain and self-serving.

Throughout high school, the new dream was in computers. I didn't specifically know what I wanted to do. Something in programming I assumed, and I always wanted to make computer games, but I wasn't particularly good with code at a young age, not to the extent I even am now despite my four year removal from programming. I wanted to fix them, I wanted to build them, and I wanted to code their programs. I was a mess, lacking any focus or direction.

I tried to study to be a Computer Engineer, but I hated it as it was mind-numbingly dull. I would get Cs in class because I would ace tests and refuse to do homework. I would get As in class carrying men and women who now make assloads more money than me. I would get Fs in class, because I would get bored and stop attending after five weeks. My failure there on most scales has never bothered me; I learned a great deal about life and avoided becoming a corporate drone I knew I would hate. I switched to History, but found that I cared very little for learning in a scholastic environment, though I continue to this day.

I didn't work at all until I was 21 years old, so I really have no idea what being a professional meant. At 16, I got a small cup of tea working for my brother, which incidentally pointed me in a direction I couldn't discern at that moment. I had a job offer to work a summer internship in Kansas City before college, which I foolishly did not take because I was in the middle of some serious puppy love. At 19, I found myself in a field pollinating corn, because I was a drain on my parents income and was, to be frank, a worthless piece of shit at the time. At 21, I was a college dropout essentially, living with my girlfriend in a city I knew nothing about except that they had a free-to-attend Zoo.

When I began working at Ozzie's I was that sixteen year old kid again, head down hidden away in the back of a kitchen, a mind racing but words scarcely escaped my lips. I would meet people in the next few months several times, because frankly I didn't take the time to learn their names. The job was hot, messy, and strangely lonely. My girlfriend would leave town, and I would sit at a bar alone, no friends but my beer in front of me. I am not that great a cook or chef. I lack focus, I daydream, I forget, and I wander, but as Rilo Kiley said, "Sometimes when You're on, Well, Your're really fucking on." As time passed, I talked to people, I learned more of the kitchen, and I was comfortable. In my time there, I did everything but smoke meat and cut steaks (which incidentally I have made up for ten-fold at my new job). I was still in school, but for what purpose? I didn't really make much there, but as I said, what did I need money for? No girl, no kids, no house, no car payments. Just rent and sustenance.

Cee Lo Green says, "I'm often asked 'What I do for a Living?' And I answer, 'I do what I want.'

I often tell women that I'm good at five things, every one can make me lots of money under extraordinary circumstances as many of the ships have sailed. I can teach, but they make nothing and I don't like being pigeon-holed and prodded to conform. I can cook, but I have no money to start a restaurant or the patience with ignorant people to do it for the rest of my life. I'm a one-liner machine, but I'm no comedian. I can write, but what good are words that no one reads and no one reads. And the fifth thing, you'll just have to find out for yourself, but I don't look good on camera. (I assume they get the last one is a joke, and apologize to anyone who is working that image out in their head right now.)

But what's wrong with what I do now? It's an honest question, as I saw one of the Tekes post he got a promotion to which another replied "What from fry cook to grill?" Obviously, my job has no glory, and certainly isn't ever going to impress a woman or lead to exciting new opportunities. But everyday, I get to use my hands, I get to sweat, and I get to stand on my feet. Honest labor, which I respect far more than sitting behind a desk. There is no romance in business, no romance in Engineering, no romance in Law, no romance in politics. There is romance in cooking and writing; In creating with your hands and mind things that make people happy, for however short a moment. So that is what I do for now, it's not a career, but I have purpose. I create nourishment for the body and for those of you who can read hopefully nourishment for the mind, and I can't think of anything that makes me happier. Well, maybe a woman's smile, but that an extraordinary circumstance. 

Now, on the subject of ambition, I come across a problem in human thought. Everyone assumes ambition is forceful and forward. That ambitious people have to tell you what their intentions are, and that just isn't my style. My ambitions are large and cloaked, waiting anxiously for the moment to strike. Of late, I've found myself more open about them, but still no one really knows what I plan to do with my life and I like it that way. It's not entirely practical to hide your intentions from women you like, but I find it quite hilarious so i guess there is that. As for a career, I can tell you this; I'm making everyone's happiness, including my own, my career, and I doubt anyone will be in opposition to that.