If Life Had a Soundtrack: The Breakup Mix-Tape

The next few posts will be personal ones. I've been a wreck for a while (from that time I didn't do my homework on the first day of third grade setting up a precedent of failure to the Present), so my writing absence may have been noticeable. However, I never stopped writing; I stopped posting. Rambles tend to occur when I am slightly buzzed and fully emotional, two things which rarely occurred during my life (implying that I probably skipped the slightly buzzed stage) and recently have become common ground. They will be a series of posts essentially connected about my two indefinite loves, my family (obvious) and music (This one is more of a dirty little affair).


I'm gonna be writing pretty often in the next few weeks, because simply I have no idea what else to do with my time (Work?). I have literally watched every episode of Chuck a dozen times, I have wasted over one hundred hours in bars the past month, and I really don't know anyone in this city who shares any interest of mine outside of drinking. I am going to spend the next 23 days resolving my existential crisis by writing, playing sports, and enforcing a state of cold, bitter sobriety. Then, I'm going to fall off of the wagon partially, just for the laughs.

We'll start with my typical Thursday format, and bring back an idea I started earlier in the year after the jump




The Breakup Two-Disc Mix-Tape


I have been channeling my inner Rob Gordon for years, a loathsome man whose inner monologue addresses him as Rob addresses the viewer. This idea is most likely inspired by High Fidelity and says enough about how I feel about the movie. In my eyes, it is the story of a narcissist who loathes himself, and who better to represent me that a self-loathing narcissist as there is something to writing things that only make you happy that you personally think very lowly of. Hilariously, despite the subject, this will be the most comedic and irreverent writing I will do this week.

I'm using a unique pseudo-psychology format, which some of you might recognize but no need for you to gloat. Then, I'll give you a few of my personal favorites.

Denial

You're down in the dumps, you can't believe what just happened. You're so in love; you're an idiot. No, it never happened; someday, he or she will be back. You look through my music catalog for something to ease the pain:

Taylor Swift -
No, bad bad fingers, don't you dare type in Taylor Swift. Dammit!

The Rolling Stones - "Beast of Burden"

Okay, you are obviously crazy. You picked a song about being used, that's good; there is progression towards anger. What was that, all you want is to make love to him/her? Okay, next song, this denial is gonna hurt some.

Carla Bruni-"Quelqu’un M’a Dit"
The French know their love songs. This isn't a French lady singing, but she is their first lady. So, I guess her French qualifications are passable. More pressing, she's hot and for the men, the first way past this step: go somewhere with hot women and lots of them. Sounds shallow, but really one men's dress shirt and guitar and look what she did there. Significant other? Who?

What? You just listened to the song? You heard it on (500) Days of Summer, when they are still together. You have at some point become lost in translation; it's over, none of this half-hearted maybe bullshit.

Joshua Radin and Patty Griffin - 'You've Got Growing Up to Do"
Here's what I like to call a lyrical transvestite; it may appear to be a love song, but this is a breakup song for the hopeless romantic with a giant bulge of denial. It sings to you about weddings and the future and you being an idiot fail to notice the whole premise. He's calling his ex immature, and how many times has maturity issues ever resolved itself romantically in a happy way. Romeo and Juliet? Anybody who marries someone drastically younger? Anyone married in their teens? [Insert Name] and [Insert Name]. (Giving personal examples would be hilarious, but slightly petty)

Jack Johnson - "Flake"
Progression is the key to any process. If you don't move onto the next step, there is no way you can get over the relationship. This song is the bridge song to anger. You need to hear this song to get past denial, and of my collection this is the song that does it. Funny enough, it devolves into a song for step three, but you aren't there yet. After all, "maybe pretty much always means no".

Anger


Damien Rice- "Rootless Tree"
Now, we're getting somewhere. Remember the key to anger is to minimize the time in this step. Quick songs that cut deep and make you incredibly sad, as opposed to angry. Sadness is the key to the next two steps, so start with Damien Rice. You may even skip bargaining and head straight to depression, but don't combine anger and depression because that most likely results in violence or masochism.

Cold War Kids - "Hang Me Up To Dry"
Okay, screw you: I'm cranking the bass up a notch and doing whatever the hell I please.  That will show you.

Beck - "Lost Cause"
What the hell did I see in you? Okay, maybe I'm just playing this song because it's depressing. No, I'm playing it because you suck. (Did I tell you that during the anger phrase you lose the ability to make complex sentences, draw conclusions, think creatively, and reason). This is a beautiful song, and the beauty should help you progress to bargaining since your booze is running out.

She Wants Revenge - "True Romance"
If you are a man, do not watch this video. It will convince you that hot women find their average neighbors attractive and will set you down a road of delusion which will ruin your romantic life more than your old flame. Here's a key part of anger: combining it with denial to make your relationship seem implausible. This song merely makes it seem as though the relationship was hollow. This is fantastic as a key part of acceptance is acknowledging the absence of such love. But there you go again, bargaining for more when it is clearly dead. You've progressed to the next step in grieving.


Bargaining


Paolo Nutini - "Last Request"
So you managed to avoid a restraining order being placed against you, congratulations you may now experience the sudden urge to ask for your lost love back. This is that put into song. Will it work? Possibly. You might be at the same step in the process. Most likely, they are somewhere ten miles past acceptance, and you are only striking for pity here. But don't let it dissuade you, you want to fail miserably in this stage. So, "One last time, let's go there!"

The Temptations- "Ain't Too Proud to Beg"

You failed miserably didn't you? Awwww, that's special. Now, is the nadir. Beg, beg for your life. Offer a kidney, your collection of Magic the Gathering cards, your virginity, your youngest sibling, and, most importantly, your dignity. Hopefully, like the Temptations, you will have friends backing you up, because this is pitiful.

Band of Horses - "no one's gonna love you"

Now's a good time for a backhanded compliment. Imply both that he/she will never be happy, and insist that you are the love of their life. Combine the statements, and see why you're here in the first place? If you feel incredibly bad, you're on your way to depression. Kudos, pardner.

Snow Patrol - "You Could Be Happy"
Insisting that happiness is directly in correlation to your relationship is a clever plan. Except you've already established that this isn't true when you broke up.

Rhett Miller - "I Need to Know Where I Stand"
At some point, probably drunk and lost you will demand satisfaction and answers. They will certainly result in you getting the latter and skipping the former. Welcome to depression, shockingly an upturn from your sad and disturbing groveling.

Depression

Coldplay - "Warning Sign"
"AND THE TRUTH IS...I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!" (Sobs into unwashed disgusting t-shirt that was left behind.) Okay, this is slightly pitiful, too.


The Airborne Toxic Event - "Sometime Around Midnight"
Really, any Airborne song will do (I'll expand upon this in my next post), because somebody did a number on him. This one is more appropriate for those whose ex is far into acceptance and has moved on to jealousy inspiration, which is the first step of the "Vindictive Coping Process" which I teach to every person I meet. They are probably just dangling eye candy out there, so you can be pissed off. However, the jokes on them because you've already been pissed off. Now, you are being an adult and finding the nearest bottle of whiskey/warm milk (I forgot to ask my sister about how non-drinkers deal with breakups.), turn this song up and hold up your middle finger to a complete stranger. Now, your ex thinks you are deranged.


Soul Asylum - "Runaway Train"

If you are depressed and you don't play this song, you are faking. Who said I'm not melodramatic?

Old 97s - "Color of a Lonely Heart is Blue"
I'm a dick. It's my fault. Look what I have done. Depression mixed with acceptance. We're almost done, liver. Only one more hill to climb and song to listen to. Like the Airborne Toxic Event, Old 97s have a plethora of breakup songs at their disposal. They just seem to be more playful and happy about it. (The best part about the above video is that a man proposed to his girlfriend, and this song followed that up. That's something that would happen to me.

Okkervil River - "Calling and Not Calling Your Ex"
Here we are: the grand finale of depression. They have moved on; you are still a mess. Here is the song to teach you a lesson. There were good times, maybe you shouldn't have done what you did, but in the end are you both better off. Yes. Welcome to Acceptance, where you can now be a dick and move on.

Acceptance

The Black Keys - "Next Girl"
Now, officially there are no rebound relationships, you are clear. State this emphatically by hooking up with someone not even remarkably like your ex. If you are working on my Vindictive Coping process, make this significant other more attractive, wealthy, and/or cool. If you are a reasonable human being, just pick someone who fits better to your whims.

Cee Lo Green - "Fuck you"
You are not a reasonable person, sing this karaoke style at the bar he/she frequents. Laugh maniacally after you say key lines. Make out with the closest attractive stranger. If possible, make it rain.

Murder By Death- "As Long As There Is Whiskey in the World"
You are a reasonable man, but you have a drinking habit. Have a rousing good time, and toast to all the women who didn't work out and continue to disappoint you. Drink away the heartache and drink away the girls.


Bon Iver- "For Emma"
You don't drink; she walked all over you. Just play Bon Iver for a while and you'll be at peace. Do not grow a beard, wear plaid, and move to a cabin in Wisconsin to record a album.


Eric Hutchinson - "All Over Now"
Dance to this song with your new love because the song feels happy, and laugh at the foolishness of the past four steps.  Be prepared to do it again at some point, but know that now you have an outline and template for dealing with the worst.


And if this didn't help, find your own songs and just deal with it however you please. Just try to keep the pathetic parts to yourself and perhaps you may emerge with both happiness and dignity, which I always seem to misplace around bargaining.


My personal favorites for no particular reason that anyone knows of:
Old 97s- "Melt Show"
Neko Case - "People Got a Lotta Nerve"