*Hi Melissa, maybe Dad, family members finding themselves bored, and you too random college friend
**This is coming to you from hell, where Satan promised to air condition the place if the Chiefs and Rams won today. His energy bill will be hilarious.***
***This in no way implies my landlord is Satan, unless Satan is a giving yet stingy Chinese professor from St. Louis.
Bristol, Oh How I love Thee
Not in a romantic or sexual sense of course, but as a perpetual butt for my jokes*
*Puns are awful
Here's my thought process:
A is for Abstinence
A is also for Adultery
The Scarlet Letter was a Red A
Red signifies passion and not purity
Dancing is considered immoral by many faiths
Dancing is considered passionate, perhaps the only other form of shared unbridled passion between humans.
The other is sex.
So when you dance on network TV wearing a sexy red dress, after promoting abstinence to teenagers, what is the logical conclusion?
That you obviously have no idea what you are talking about.
But guess what after seeing this, you'll know how wrong I was.
This was the greatest plan in the history of abstinence campaigns. First let's go to the real-time effect: millions of young men swore off sex for a few minutes to pleasure themselves to you Bristol. Kudos, you have done what your mom could only do to republicans* and the entire state of Alaska, effectively stop them from having sex with others by inspiring them to self-pleasure. Now, some have warned you that sex leads to dancing, so you headed them off at the pass.
*Maybe they didn't have enough urinals at the convention to serve their needs
Why not skip the foreplay and head straight to the action? If you convince the kids to commit other acts of unbridled passion, they will obviously have no time to commit violations of each others purity vows. After all it worked in Dirty Dancing...
Dammit, maybe not, but at least the sinning in it killed Swayze.* Wait, I thought Swayze was this awkward Weird Al-Random extra from Friday* mash-up group
**Obligatory racist comment to cater to tea party readers
Maybe purity rings are the way to go as a way of solidifying the pledge like the Jonas Brothers, after all they were successful. Now Joe is dating...
*And I am the biggest nerd ever. Although I still have not seen nor read a word of the cancerous lecher that is the Twilight series.
And yes this is the last chance you will ever get to read about Dancing with the Slightly Desperate here.
Dancing With the Stars*
*Dammit!!!!!!!!
Okay, maybe the title is a little overblown, but ask me how I felt at about 3:15 today and that is the explanation. The Temptations called it Cloud Nine. I was in a cigar-smoked bar with my girlfriend; simultaneously eating and squinting to death. The Chiefs won
To rate them I will compare them to Chinese gymnastics teams
Offense: Balanced like a Chinese gymnast before a meal.
Defense: Starving, Feral, like said gymnast until she is too old to compete successfully or 12 (whichever comes first)
Special Teams: Slightly off, like the routines performed by Chinese gymnasts in individual completions
Coaching: Unhinged and reckless just in case one steps out of line and he has to have her sent to work camps/ Wal Mart factories for the greater good
Sadly, we look at what Mike Singletary has become. He was a great player and continues to prove his motivational/psychotic threat skills. However, if you let Jimmy Raye call plays for you, you might as well have Carl Weathers stand in and make a stew.* Literally, racist fans** think African Americans can't coach, because of what happened today. What happened then that was so bad head coaching wise? Only his comment in support of Jimmy Raye. Other than that, his players were violated and dominated by the Indigenous Plainsmen of Kansas City.***
*Tobias Fünke: Do you see me more as the respected dramatic actor or more of the beloved comic actor?
Carl Weathers: Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's still plenty of meat on that bone. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you've got a stew going.
Tobias Fünke: Yes, that's fine, but I would like to focus on my acting, Mr. Weathers. I did give you my last $1, 100.
Carl Weathers: Let me tell you a little story about acting. I was doing this Showtime movie, Hot Ice with Anne Archer, never once touched my per diem. I'd go to Craft Service, get some raw veggies, bacon, Cup-A-Soup... baby, I got a stew going.
Tobias Fünke: [pause] I think I'd like my money back.
**See SEC fans
***Injuns or redskins, my tea party aficionados.****
****No, using Spanish is not a deportation worthy offense in Missouri
You may think that was overblown, but they were literally violated by the Chiefs. In every aspect, minus that Chinese gymnast misstep of a field goal, they were dominant and unrelenting. Matt Cassel showed he still has two testicles, and can throw a pass in the NFL without constantly shivering in fear of not becoming Tom Brady. Jamaal Charles is the same ole eight yards a carry running back that the league gets every year, and Thomas Jones is the "give me the ball and I will pretend we can power run" polar opposite to Charles. The defense harassed a man who already has enough trouble gripping the football with his midget hands, and got the turnover that started the onslaught. And let's just say: I hate the SEC, but they can just keep sending their players our way. Same goes for the Big Ten/Eleven/Twelve, who gave us an injured hopeless cause that we turned into Tony 2.0. Only one bad moment: remember Succop, your name isn't cool enough for you to miss easy field goals, somebody boo that man.
Now, I'm not going to make correct conclusions upon the whole season, but I will try to. The Chiefs have a bye and then two games against Indy and Houston. Either game is winnable, both teams are better than the 49ers, Browns, and the September Travoltas* So, at worst, the Chiefs will find themselves at Week Six's end with a 3-2 record, and 5-0 and 4-1 are not out of the question. Even with only three wins the Chiefs will have ten games, six at home with only one "tough" home opponent, Tennessee. Four of five wins puts them up to seven to nine wins. And their four road match-ups are against Seattle and their division rivals. I'll predict a split there. So there's 9-11 wins, and I think ten wins this division. Now, if the Chiefs pull upsets either against their AFC south foes or the Chargers in San Diego that figure jumps to 12-win territory. But I really think this is a ten win ballclub, that will sweep the NFC West, win 4 of 6 in division, beat Cleveland and Buffalo, and perhaps get one away from an AFC south opponent. There is 11 wins, and a first round exit after we get trounced by Indy or New England who are the wild cards. But baby steps are the key.
*I just like this name better. I know it's all "six degrees": Chargers-Bolts-Travolta did the voice for Bolt who was a dog-that's what the Chargers are in September, dogs.
**Also another note, Phillip Rivers is the most boorish quarterback in the league until Ben the Rapist returns to action. At 0:20, here is Phillip being portrayed by Harvey Korman dealing with his teammates/peasants.
It's better if you pretend Norv Turner is the piss boy.
Ha, you got to this point expecting something of substance about the teabaggers, but until they provide something of substance, I doubt they deserve me worrying about them. I'll be more frequent from today on as I'm getting ready to pleasure this blog like a Bristol Palin cha-cha. Until then I'm off to write complete shit and then sell it to the general public, like Nicholas Sparks.
0 comments:
Post a Comment