Sexting While High Should Be A Crime Only in Combination

Note: My brain doesn't work particularly well on occasion and needs a spring cleaning, so here is as random and probably off the hook post as you may get from me. As a person unlikely to ever be convicted of the crimes I mention, I feel I have grounds to rant about them.

The War on Efficient Drug Enforcement

Now, there are many things you can't do in this country. A few are universally despised, frowned upon, and prosecuted vigorously: Murder, rape, assault, theft (from shoplifting to Madoffing), drug offenses, and traffic violations. Essentially these are felonies and in the case of traffic violations, money grabs that normally cannot be defended anyways. One of the above does not fit. Violent crimes (murder, rape, and assault) are no doubters; we just can't allow this to happen. The borders of where these occur is a greater problem than the idea, but I'll touch on that another time. Thefts are certainly something worth curbing in the support of property rights ordained by our law. Traffic stops "save lives" and "reduce accidents", and are not in any way just another tax upon drivers nor do they put public servants at unneeded risk standing upon busy highways. Now, drug offenses are somewhat of a mystery to me.

I won't argue that drugs are good. Certainly some, even in their purest form, can kill you, but that is a choice to be made. Neither do I think it would be wise to legalize drugs across the board, nor to make them regulated by the government. I don't think you should allow children to do drugs whenever they please, but as I often say parenting and education should be a better means of prevention than fear of arrest. However, currently our jails are full of young men who were caught in possession of drugs, and some for intent to distribute marijuana. To our south, people are just disappearing and murders are rampant, due to the trade of drugs into our country, chiefly marijuana.

Marijuana is the interesting starting point for decriminalization of drugs. The side-effects of marijuana are essentially similar to those of alcohol, with the exception that alcohol while acting as a depressant, stimulates risky behavior. Marijuana is the official drug of those who like couches, fast food, naps, and if you're up for it maybe some sex or TV. Now, marijuana has been labeled a gateway drug. To me, this implies that the use of marijuana increases the chance of doing harder drugs. In fact, this is product of the way marijuana is distributed. Drugs do not typically lead to each other, but a man who is already willing to illegally distribute a relatively harmless drug might be willing to distribute a harmful drug for more cash. Already a criminal, what is to stop one from just amping it up a bit.

Again, we should put restrictions on it, but reasonable ones. Driving while high, still not a good idea. Want to put an age limit on it? Fine. To criminalize someone who either smokes it or grows it for themselves to smoke, is ridiculous to all ends. I would even argue that criminalizing its sale is ridiculous. The world's drug trade, whether marijuana, poppy, or cocaine, is driven by United States demand. Therefore, the criminal results of this (cartels, Afghani warlords) are the responsibility of the United States. While poppy derivatives and cocaine/crack are certainly banes to society, the effect of marijuana on a hostile, violent society which is overdependent on the vastly more harmful alcoholic beverages is not something to be overlooked. The realization is if the 17-year old kid who died falling over a balcony was high and not drunk, chances are he's not dancing on a ledge.

Now, harder drugs are another issue. They destroy bodies, families, entire countries, and our coffers. The failed war on drugs attacked both the distributor and the user, when in reality the second did not need that. I always remember the story of Willie May Aikens, who was jailed for twenty years after receiving a life-sentence for possession of crack-cocaine with intent to distribute. This came as result of the lowering of possession laws to where almost any amount constituted intent to sell, and led many men, mostly African-American, to serve longer sentences than their crimes deserved. The government could have invested the money needed to imprison these men into state-run rehabilitation facilities; perhaps, some would get better, some wouldn't and would continue their spiral until they were re-convicted or dead. Instead, we have men serving their time, clean as a whistle, but unable to ever escape the bondage of their sentences. Even if released, none of the others would be as fortunate as Willie, who had the Royals fan-base and his family behind him. These men would be jobless, listless, and most likely eventually homeless if released, so prison is probably a better place.

The distribution of such drugs should remain illegal, but without having to spend the time or money going after users, the police forces would have more time to actually go after the drug trade. If marijuana, by far the most widespread and most important drug when it comes to the Mexican Cartel wars, is decriminalized, even more resources are available. Certainly, the cartels focus would also shift further towards marijuana, eliminating some sale of smaller quantities of far more dangerous drugs.

If you think I'm suggesting Americans get high as opposed to drinking and smoking cigarettes, you might be on to something. If you think I'm advocating the legalization of heroin, you probably need to loosen up a bit (a blunt would be efficient). I remember the trouble that the stigmatization of marijuana created in college. As uncool as it may sound, some of my fraternity brothers wanted to smoke a hookah on our front lawn. We disallowed it on the grounds that someone might imply that they were smoking pot. Oh the humanity, dudes sitting on a lawn getting high in a vaguely Middle Eastern manner. Do you know what that leads to? If you answered either nothing, something vaguely homosexual, or mass calorie consumption, you are a bloody genius.

Sexual Deviants
First off, sexting between teenagers should not be a crime. Do I think the teenagers should be having sex? No Do I find them sending dirty texts creepy? Yes  Do I think close up shots of genitalia are more likely to produce abstinence? Certainly. The problem with Americans is constantly the fear of intimacy, whether that be emotional or physical. We are people of space: that's why people get divorced, have separate bedrooms, and cannot seem to grasp the idea of safe-sex. The idea of sex as pleasurable is highly illogical to the American psyche, so when presented with it we act as if the idea never occurred to us. So kids, who have no idea what a proper set of genitals look like, send pictures to each other to answer questions that should have been taught years ago. Meanwhile, we condemn their actual interactions, while promoting ideas which instigate these actions (teen drinking, cheerleading skirts, 300). Let the kids have their fun, but teach them responsibility and you may find that the horrifying close up of a penis keeps your daughter a virgin well into her first semester of college and your son well into his mid-20s, maybe early 30s.*

*If you need me to explain this, don't worry I'm going to write about it tomorrow or Wednesday, in my weekly sex column, this week to be titled "Why the All-Girl Threesome is the Butler of Threesomes" At this point, I hope my parents have been so disgusted they checked out, because this might be awkward.

Erykah Badu, we salute you. I don't find her remotely attractive, and there aren't many women who I can say that about. But if she wants to get naked in public, who cares? Now, again I'm not suggesting that public nudity be completely legal, but come on. The human body and the body of any living creature for that matter is a beautiful thing (except for you opossum and mole rat, you're hideous), but for some reason we find it dangerous. Now, male nudity is another matter to me, and I can somewhat understand that you have to convict both sexes or you are committing to a double standard. The penis is an ugly and dangerous appendage to have floating around out there. The realization that nudity is something that sexual offenders do is completely ridiculous. So if you want to put up areas where you can't be naked, I'll go along. Churches, schools, restaurants with kid's menus, sporting events, and anywhere essentially where children frequent shouldn't have frequent nude visitors. But anywhere else, why not? Are you worried about adults seeing naked adults? You should be more worried if that offends them, as they are probably somewhat deviant themselves. Are you worried about a random child seeing someone naked? If parents can't explain sex to their children, then the next rant is more than likely to concern them.

Sweet Tea Bourbon 

Jeremiah Weed has been around for a while, and it blows my mind. But  Firefly Sweet Tea Bourbon is the subject of today's discussion, because it's quietly marketing itself. Yes, it's sweet tea, but with bourbon effects on inhibition.  If they don't institute mandatory chastity belts south of the Mason-Dixon line, there might be a pregnancy epidemic. What's funny is this isn't a joke entirely? Every person who hears of this immediately thinks, there are going to be a lot of pregnant teenagers out there. Sure, there have been flavored vodka and wine coolers and occasionally actual wine, but never before have we combined the two most flavorful drinks common to the American South with such brutal perfection. The inherent result is surely not going to contribute to the advancement of society, but perhaps will strengthen the Republican voting base for their 2028-32 campaigns. We might have to refer to this next generation as the Firefly kids, and not in the way I'd hoped.

Oh, do you need 2032 Republican campaign statements?
"We Proved Global Warming Was a Myth. Now, where can we find Savannah, Georgia?"
(I could have used any city but I figured a Southern one would be more appropriate. Saying Florida would have been melodramatic)
"We would have never needed so much children's healthcare, if it weren't for that damn Firefly epidemic"
"Ummm...what deficit? When we dropped bombs on the newly democratically elected government of Iran, you weren't demanding transparency."
"Thank God we cut Social Security, because we needed the elderly to rejoin the workforce and make the country great like their prime in the 1980's"
"Four more years of President Haliburton"


Unless of course you vote for me in 2028, which would result in:
*this assumes society has taken a nosedive at some point
"Everybody just chill the fuck out. Oh, you're already high, good."
"Cure for global warming? One word...Annihilatrix ."
"I'd like you to meet my vice-president, Jesus. Jesus, say hi to the people."
"Hola!"
(Shots fired)
"Oh my God! They've killed Jesus!"
"No, the cool one."

If you made it this far, feel free to lash out at my pro-marijuana, pro-sex, and anti-sweet tea bourbon tirades. Perhaps suggest other ways Frisky Dingo could help the world.

Remember, if they wouldn't have let the gifted kids skip D.A.R.E., I wouldn't be a raging alcoholic with an addiction to smack.