The Progressive Insurance Commercials Are Making Our Children Facists

Sure, she may just seem like an annoying Molly Shannon clone, but trust me she is inundating us with communistic rhetoric. You get to compare prices. Who the hell decided this was a good idea? Usually, some jackass would just tell you what you have to pay and then saddle you with as high of a price that could be deemed feasible to the value of the average car on the road, but these bastards went over the line. Now, you may say its just a commercial, who gives a rat's ass? You know who, St. Augustine. When he founded our nation back in the 4th Century, he set down rules.


Rule One) Fuck the poor. They are just a bunch of Manichean freaks, whose heretical values inherently lead to mistresses, gay sex, and heavy snorkeling, whatever that is. Sure, I may have been a Manichean once and I may have never worked a day in my life, but that doesn't excuse those of you who weren't born into such entitlement.

Rule Two) Progress is dangerous. especially if it involves public safety. Specifically, meat inspectors get in the way of everyday Americans, as do health inspectors, and fireman. We should be free to sit on our ass all day, sometimes pausing to have sex with the woman with whom we fathered a child out of wedlock, then philosophize about God and Jesus, hoping that eventually our message will be used by Texans to completely destroy the minds of children.

Rule Three)Who gives two shits about your health. I lived 76 years, and as I mentioned I was a whoremonger. Dying is fun anyways; God's waiting on you. Of course, I know this as I am dead, but you should blindly follow my lead anyways. Chances are you are going to hell anyways, but why wait? Damnation can be a hell of a time, and if your lucky maybe I'll let you purge yourself in the fires and then come join me for whatever the hell we do here.

Rule Four) No market controls and no commercials with facist ideas like price comparison We had market controls in Rome; it was the gladius. If someone cheated you, you stuck him like a pig. I assume that similar business deals occur in your time, and therefore, no one need protect you. You can always kill your Jew banker and drop him in the extensive sewer system. What your bankers aren't Jews, they're just pricks? Hmmm, I don't know if killing a Christian is just; try giving them more money.

Now, one might say Augustine's ideas are harsh, and others might say that I completely made that all up and I'm going to hell. Honestly, Catholic hell is ten times better than America for a poor man like myself, and the weather is more predictable. Sure, the whoremonger comment was harsh, but when you father a child with a concubine you get what comes to you. However, this shouldn't discount the fact that I should be able to completely re-invent history. If Glenn Beck can tell his viewers that Teddy Roosevelt was a fascist and Texas can change their curriculum to support conservative and some false principles, I can say that the man who is highly responsible for modern Christianity was kind of a dick.

Now for Progressives being fascist, I can tell you that Beck isn't completely off. No, I take that back he is batshit crazy. The United States enacted many laws during the first World War that directly contrasted with the First Amendment. You could have led with this being the reason Woodrow Wilson was a fascist, but no you decided it was because there were "fasces" on the dime. Yeah, because Roman law has nothing to do with American ideals. Now as for Teddy Roosevelt, someone should be taken down a notch.

First off, anyone who disparages Teddy Roosevelt needs a firm ass kicking, because if Teddy were here, he would gladly provide it. Teddy once gave a speech with a bullet lodged inside him; Glenn can't make it through a TV show without crying. He also made this the country the horrible place it is with meat inspections and regulations on food and drugs. He was also kind enough to reserve some of the country, so that one hundred years later Republicans will have new places to drill for oil.

The Progressive movement was borne out of the strangest of people: Christians. I know how awful it is for women to vote, work hours to be regulated, companies to be held accountable, and our natural beauty to be preserved for our children. Sure, blacks were still treated despicably to which slightly racist Teddy said:

"I have not been able to think out any solution of the terrible problem offered by the presence of the Negro on this continent, but of one thing I am sure, and that is that inasmuch as he is here and can neither be killed nor driven away, the only wise and honorable and Christian thing to do is to treat each black man and each white man strictly on his merits as a man, giving him no more and no less that he shows himself worthy to have."

 (Okay, he might have been a dick, too.) Overall, however the state of the American republic was stronger from a human perspective at the beginning of the 1920's. Glenn likes to say Progressives want to lead us to a Socialist utopia, without even realizing that both of those words are positive. Jesus himself was a socialist, and interestingly enough communist would probably be a better term considering he lived in a commune with a group of comrades who supported each other spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Socialism is the direct result of human empathy, an emotion not found in rich people. Utopia is the unreachable goal, because as I have previously stated utopia cannot exist with humans living in it. Symbiosis is not in our genes. If we created a place with low crime, high literacy, hot chicks, and universal health care it wouldn't be a utopia. It would be Sweden.