First, if you believe in political correctness, I don't know either why you are reading this or why you are friends with me. As a man whiter than Lincoln from a multi-racial family, I've heard some pretty stupid shit that I could be offended by, but on the other hand I'm smarter than those people so I don't give a shit. What follows are my political views. If you are a conservative, feel free to vomit; if you are a liberal, feel free to bitch about me not tooting the company's horn.
This is what you should be saying if you want to convey the viewpoint you hold to. Why? These statements show exactly what you mean, as opposed to the bull shit that you are supposedly clinging to. Nothing is black and white, so the statements when made so sound like this. So here is the prime example to start:
Abortion
Pro-Life: I think raped women should carry children to term to honor the sanctity of procreation. Also, I think women should not be allowed to make any decision that involves her "welfare". Most importantly, I think that medical research that could help many people suffering through life is morally corrupt.
Pro-choice: I think a man should have the right to push his partner down a flight of stairs. I think young women should be able to erase their mistakes, because simply they didn't know to use protection or that pregnancy was a common side-effect of sex. Who cares when life begins, I hope stem cells cure this wrinkling.
Now, I don't need to reiterate my stance that this is not even a political issue. The reason this is the best example is that everyone picks a side (except me). I think abortion is okay if the health, mental or physical of the mother is involved. If I could magic us away to a world where the circumstances never dictated it's use, I would. Do I support anyone who has one just because they made a mistake? Certainly not. I could never make such a statement as a politician, because you have to choose. Stem-cell research is even more ridiculous, because the people fighting it also believe women came out of a man's rib obviously proving their insanity, and we also predated dinosaurs.
Health Care
Democrats: We really have no idea how to reform anything, but we like to pretend. The truth is we just want credit for something, since we haven't been useful since the Great Society. We really don't care how much the American people and small businesses have to pay to support such a plan, but since the only ideas that were radically different have been shot down by the minority, we won't have to worry about them learning this.
Republicans: Fuck the poor! This will bankrupt the rich, and then what will they have to lean on? Their morals? I just went to the doctor and my health insurance works fine, so what's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong the 40 million lazy negros and wetbacks not getting their own health care. REPARATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!
CNN: We'll have to leave it there.
Far righties, don't you realize it affects all races and not just poor people, sometimes young middle class white kids just out of school. The Senate Bill isn't horrid at first glance, but neither side really gives a damn what Americans think so they will probably screw that up.
Gay Marriage
Democrats: Shit, this again, do I have to say something? Can't we just let it play itself out? Where am I right now? Alabama? Gay marriage is appalling, and completely immoral. Was Jesus Gay? (thinks about single dude hanging out with 12 other dudes and a prostitute in a commune)
Next day, in California...
I love what you guys are doing, I mean not the sex but the whole sanctity of marriage thing. (Thinks of secretary's nice firm...) I will fight for your rights. (Scratch that last statement).
Republicans: Fuck the gays! (Now that an interesting idea, I think I'll try that out next time I'm at the airport) This is completely disrespectful to God, marriage is between a man and a woman. I should know, I've been married six times.
This is another non-political issue that essentially needs a Roe V. Wade-like decision that renders it obsolete. The truth is no one except for homosexuals is honest about how they feel about homosexuals. Frankly, I've seen two dudes kiss and it kind of disturbed me. I also saw two girls kiss and found it hot, and neither of them wasn't remotely attractive. Just a hetero double standard...but one day I would like to hear a politician say, "I don't think that it's normal nor my cup of tea, but if they want to be just as miserable as I am, I'm all for it. Why? Because equality and liberty are founding principles of my nation, and anyone who is against those ideas is un-American." If that day comes, why did you nominate me for public office?
Taxes
Democrats: WE'RE LIKE A FUCKING MODERN DAY ROBIN HOOD? Except we just steal from guys who the poor intentionally gave their money to. We want to make everything equal by giving more money to the poor, but instead we just end up screwing middle-class voters who think they are in the upper class. Then, every fours years we get blamed for this, even though this money pays for schools, roads, health care for those people too old to be useful to society anymore, the military (which no one seems to notice is paid for by taxes), and salaries for more Americans than any private company. Socialists they call us, we fuckin' wish.
Republicans: Watch this, flat tax, problem solved. Infrastructure? I already pay for tuition for my kids school, why do we need more schools? Universities? No, my boy going to Yale, despite his alcoholism, penchant for cocaine, and relatively meager intelligence. Roads? My yacht and jet don't need roads Military? We had volunteers back in '76, my brother's militia can surely protect us from the Mexicans. He's been doing that for years unpaid anyways.
Tea Party Activists: We're secretly protesting a black president. Honestly, black people hate taxes to, but not a one stands out here in the bitter cold with us. We actually get Social Security and Medicare, but this Red devil needs to stop preaching his Commie rhetoric. I didn't fight the Gooks in 'Nam just to see blackie let them run the country. It's just like the Boston Tea Party, except us white people have 99% of the representation and our livelihoods are not impeded in any way by taxes. We obviously don't have jobs to be taxed, since we do this every day.
I don't need to explain this one. Taxes used correctly are good; our tax usage is poor; US education and infrastructure is sub-par to the rest of the world.
Immigration
Democrats: Even though we have taken no definitive stance of this, we a victorious. Why? Because Republicans are xenophobic morons. Every Hispanic child born here is a US citizen. The more immigrants, the more Hispanics. The more Hispanics, the more xenophobic Republicans get. Then, they vote for us not out of political belief, but simply because we are the lesser of two evils. So we'll take you sick, your tired, and your huddled masses and turn them in to a massive voting block for the rest of American history.
Republicans: Ewww...hard workers to do menial jobs to support their family. What the hell are these people thinking? I've been to Mexico, it's like a giant Margarita and beaches for miles. No drug wars there, corrupt governments, and I'm sure their standard of living is high (compared to Cuba). I think I'm morally opposed to immigration. My great-grandfather came across the right way, on the third-class deck of a steamship without a dime in his pocket. All he wanted was a better life for his children. Oh, shit. They're like the 21st Century's Irishmen.
Lou Dobbs: What the fuck is that Mexican doing in my kitchen? Probably stealing my silverware and shipping it back to Juarez for some pot. I bet she doesn't speak a word of English. You speako Englisho?
Maid: I'm your maid and I'm from El Salvador. I got a work visa, so I'm here legally.
Lou Dobbs: Don't make me get my friends Sarah and Glenn. You wouldn't want Sarah to mistake you for a moose or an endangered species. Glenn will probably just cry inappropriately that you aren't black and a slave.
Please send all hate mail to FOX News. Glenn Beck stole my mailbox. Remember when you set out to make an intelligent, slightly offensive political discussion it usually devolves into a completely worthless, completely offensive political discussion. Oh, there's one thing both sides always agree on. Martha Coakley is politics' David Klingler.
0 comments:
Post a Comment